SCENARIO #80085: Mannequins

Behold the shapely face of doom, Jared Padalecki.

Oh, shit, she's here! Pretend we were talking about something else.

Today's the day! The first issue of Dead Teenagers is out now at comic stores and digital retailers including Comixology. When you pick it up, make sure to place your pre-order for Issue #2: Final order cut-off is Monday, March 23.

Today is also the day that my short story Hatewatch appears in EC Comics' Catacomb of Torment #9, with great art by Malachi Ward. It a story about hating someone on the Internet so much that you just can't leave them alone. You should probably stop that.

Then, when you are truly comics'd out, you may return to this newsletter, to continue our series on teen slasher deaths. This week, we cover the most terrifying threat of them all.

At long last, our catalogue of horrors brings us to the Teen's deadliest enemy: The Mannequin. In every generation, and in every possible way, Teens have fought the shapely, inanimate fiend, spilling hot blood at the hands of cold plastic, in an eternal and keenly allegorical struggle representing….

What? I don’t know, actually. Teen horror movies about the prom are clearly about the fear of impending adulthood and/or sexuality, and teen horror movies about robots are about conformity and rebellion, but I have no idea why there are so many scary mannequin movies. Mannequins look creepy, I guess?

Regardless: There are a lot of these movies. More than you’re thinking, considering that “scary mannequin” feels like a pitch you’d abandon after doing it once. I don’t make the news, I just report it, and the news I have for you is that teens are getting killed by mannequins, about once a decade. Don’t believe me? Consider:

Tourist Trap (1979)

The Horror: Teens killed by, and turned into, mannequins.

Mannequins? How? Teens on a road trip stop to skinny-dip at a local holler and are confronted by the intensely folksy old owner, who simply will not stop yammering at them about the bygone joys of his now-closed roadside attraction, A House Full of Dusty Old Mannequins. Is there any chance they’d like to see the world-famous House Full of Dusty Old Mannequins? Of course they would. Is there any chance that the mannequins occasionally come to life, due to the machinations of the owner’s evil mutant telekinetic brother, who kidnaps teens and slowly, torturously turns them into mannequins with forbidden magic? I’ll never tell.

What’s the scariest thing the mannequins can do to you? Get your arm stuck in a door while they telekinetically fling the contents of a junk drawer at you.

Are the mannequins scary? My God, yes. Intensely.

Any weird gender stuff? A scene where the mutant dresses in the clothes of a female victim, which uses a shot cribbed from Psycho for the reveal. Basically all slashers were cribbing from Psycho, at this point in history, and many were less subtle about it, but it’s still uncomfortably transphobic.

Is the climactic scare a shot of Jared Padalecki getting his eyebrows waxed? Tragically, no. Still, the movie is far scarier and more effective than you’d have any reason to expect.

What have we learned? If you discover a replica of a guy’s dead wife, made out of “special rubber” that “feels like flesh,” run.

Waxwork (1988)

Proof that Timmy Chalamet was NOT the worst possible casting for Willy Wonka.

The Horror: Teens killed by, and turned into, mannequins.

Mannequins? How? Into a peaceful suburb comes a mysterious wax museum proprietor, offering the local teens an “exclusive invite” to his exhibits. No red-blooded American teen can turn down a VIP waxwork viewing, and so they all sign up. Unfortunately, these waxworks all depict famous monsters, and looking at any exhibit for too long will suck you into the world it depicts, there to be slaughtered in a sort of live-action Treehouse of Horror anthology. Yes, it’s certainly strange here in this heavily becurtained liminal space, attended by both a pale giant and a mysterious little person, frequented by rebellious bad boy Dana Ashbrook, who… wait a minute.

What have we learned? David Lynch and/or Mark Frost were deeply impressed by the movie Waxwork. As many have noted, the movie's ending directly mirrors the best scene in Cabin in the Woods, so evidently Joss Whedon liked it too.

What’s the scariest thing the mannequins can do to you? Inspire the murder of Laura Palmer; be a Dracula.

Are the mannequins scary? Depends on the mannequin.

Any weird gender stuff? I’m going to keep it real with you: One of the anthology episodes is a lengthy, detailed softcore scenario featuring a sex dungeon owned by the Marquis de Sade, in which the heroine gets stripped down and whipped by sexually aroused Frenchmen while they describe how they plan to fuck her in heavy-breathing detail and (in the background) a chorus of barely clad, oiled-down ladies begs to be whipped in turn. It’s not there for any particular reason, it’s jarringly different than the rest of the movie, it’s not even really meant to be scary (the heroine has a great time); it’s clearly just the filmmakers working something out using an abandoned Medieval Tymes restaurant and the cast of their local community theater. Is it bad? Not morally (although the way the Marquis de Suburbs pronounces “her first OOOOOORRRRRRRRR-GAZZUMM” will haunt me). Is it weird? Yes. Yes, Tragically Horny 1988-Era Screenwriter With Pages To Fill, it is.

Is the climactic scare a shot of Jared Padalecki getting his eyebrows waxed? No. You so rarely see true greatness these days.

House of Wax (2005)

This is what dudes in the 2000s thought would happen if you washed your balls.

The Horror: Teens killed by, and turned into, mannequins. Well, technically they're wax figures.

Weren’t the mannequins in the last movie also wax figures? Yes.

So two out of three “scary mannequin” movies are about — Let’s move on.

Oh, all right... “Mannequins???” How??? Teens on a road trip stumble upon a small town’s long-closed-down tourist attraction: A House Full of Dusty Old Mannequins (Technically Wax Figures), owned by a truly, intensely folksy and affable fella who may or may not have a mutant brother lurking somewhere in the background. What follows is a rousing nu-metal cover of Tourist Trap, feat. Bush-era Teens such as Jared Padalecki and Paris Hilton.

Wait a second… Is the climactic scare a shot of Jared Padalecki getting his eyebrows waxed? Yes!

Why??? The 2000s loved Jared Padalecki! And waxing!

Is the waxing scene scary? Not in the least, but it miraculously captures the intersection of ‘00s torture porn and ‘00s metrosexual panic.

Wow. So…. any more weird gender stuff? Yes, unfortunately: The stunt casting of Paris Hilton, whose every scene is aimed at reinforcing then-contemporary sentiment about Paris Hilton, i.e., “isn’t this woman a worthless stupid whore because her ex-boyfriend posted revenge porn.” You might not care about Paris Hilton as a person, but at the time House of Wax was released, the exact same sentiment got aimed at any woman or girl whose abuser leaked nudes or explicit video without consent. Hilton was the mascot for a culture-wide campaign of normalized sexual assault and victim-blaming, which (as I recall) made life terrifying and painful for young women, and the jokes in this movie are aimed at those girls, too.

This was the movie's "marketing" campaign. """Fun."""

Hilton seems to be playing along here, which just makes it more depressing; they’ve pinned the red letter on her, and she’s wearing it, and you just wish something in her would rebel against the humiliation.

What have we learned? Mutant killer hillbillies can afford a near-infinite supply of wax; feminism was necessary.

Aren't we always learning that last thing? Indeed, we are.

Tourist Trap, Waxwork and House of Wax are all on Tubi. Mannequins are right behind you.

That's the newsletter. Now go to your comic shop and buy Dead Teenagers #1. These teens are already on their way: