INTERMISSION: Know Your Deeps!

You cannot stop an idea whose time has come. To wit: Between January of 1998 and July of 1999, no less than three movies entitled Deep ______ were unleashed upon the moviegoing public. They have in common (a) the ocean, (b) the late ‘90s, and (c) the fact that they are all sometimes billed as “disaster” movies. Also, the fact that, until very recently, I was not really sure they were different films. 

Having now seen them all, I’m pleased to report that they are, in fact, three entirely separate ocean-based CGI-filled usually-monster-heavy late-90s action movies with a stacked and nostalgic cast. That said, they can still be difficult to tell apart without an expert eye to guide you. Herewith, in the interests of public education, a guide to the ‘90s Deeps. 

Deep Rising

(Stephen Sommers, 1998) 

Why is this billed as a disaster movie? It’s set on the disastrous maiden voyage of the world’s most expensive cruise ship. 

Why isn’t it a disaster movie? It’s a monster movie; specifically, a movie about giant betentacled sea creatures that invade the maiden voyage of the world’s most expensive cruise ship.

Who does it star? Treat Williams, a man with the incredible power to look exactly like Jason Bateman from one angle and sort of like Nathan Fillion from the other, while actually being neither man. 

So, is it sort of like Titanic? Yes, but in Titanic, you don’t see a lady get sucked down the toilet. 

At any point, does Treat Williams jet-ski out of an exploding cruise ship? Yes.

When Treat Williams jet-skis out of an exploding cruise ship, is there a shot where he’s directly in front of a giant fireball, which is clearly a blue-screen effect, while he and his lady love (an unbelievably charming Famke Janssen) scream their heads off, while both of them sit on an obviously stationary Jet-Ski? I can confirm that this event also takes place in Deep Rising.

How can you tell the Jet-Ski is sitting perfectly still inside a warehouse? Their hair isn’t moving. 

Are there any other actors that Treat Williams is sort of like? He also appears to be doing Harrison Ford as Han Solo.

Wait, is the toilet lady listed in the credits as “Toilet Lady?” You bet.

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Deep Blue Sea

(Renny Harlin, 1999) 

Why is this billed as a disaster movie? It’s set in an exploding, flooding, shark-infested undersea research station. 

Why isn’t it a disaster movie? It’s another monster movie; specifically, a movie about giant genetically modified sharks that break out of their cages to explode, flood, and infest an undersea research station. 

Who does it star? Samuel L. Jackson! LL Cool J! A bird! Stellan Skarsgaard! I spent most of the movie wondering why they were putting so much focus on the big blonde guy, and why that guy never made any other movies, before Google informed me that I was looking at an unrecognizably young Thomas Jane. 

So, is it sort of like Jurassic Park? Yes, but in Jurassic Park, you don’t… well, no, you do see Samuel L. Jackson get eaten. 

Wait, is this the one with the clip that was always on The Soup? Of Samuel L. Jackson getting eaten by an obviously CGI shark in the middle of a speech? Yes. 

What would I not necessarily realize from that clip? In context, it’s a really effective moment. Sure, the effects are dated, but Jackson sells it; his character is a grizzled explorer, who has been in many a tough situation before these genetically modified sharks got loose, and he manages to calm the panicking crowd and get their attention focused on him with a speech, which (along with the fact that he’s Samuel L. Jackson in 1999) makes you take a breath and designate him as the guy who’s going to take charge and save everybody, and just as you’re accepting that Samuel L. Jackson is the obvious protagonist of Deep Blue Sea… bam! CGI shark. It’s good. This is a good movie. 

Is it a “good movie” if my favorite movie is Ingmar Bergman’s Persona, or a “good movie” if my favorite movie is Jurassic Park? Do you even have to ask? 

No? No, you don’t. 

Deep Impact

(Mimi Leder, 1998) 

Why is this billed as a disaster movie? It’s about an asteroid on a collision course with Earth. 

Is it a disaster movie? It’s about an asteroid on a collision course with Earth. 

Who does it star? Now we’re talking: 

• Tea Leoni!
• Elijah Wood! 
• A DeLiA’s catalogue! 
• Kurtwood Smith! 
• Leelee Sobieski! 
• KORN! 
• Total Request Live with Carson Daly! 
• Morgan Freeman! 
• The mean lady boss from ER! 
• People saying “show me the money!” 
• James Cromwell! 
• The baby version of Logan from Veronica Mars! 
• A tattoo of the Godsmack symbol! 
• Vampire: The Masquerade, Second Edition! 
• Robert Duvall! 
• Teen Witch by Silver RavenWolf!  
• Body glitter! 
• Vanessa Redgrave! 

So, is it sort of like Armageddon? No. Armageddon, the year’s other giant-asteroid movie, was a big, dumb Michael Bay production, with Bruce Willis as an overprotective father to Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck as Liv Tyler’s boyfriend who won’t stop erotically sticking animal crackers into her belly button, blue-collar oil-rig dudes saving the Earth right out from the noses of those snooty NASA scientists who shot them into space to fight asteroids, and, most important, an uplifting ending in which Bruce Willis nobly sacrifices himself, Ben Affleck earns his soon-to-be-dead father-in-law’s respect, and Liv Tyler presumably gives birth to a healthy box of animal crackers nine months later. Deep Impact, on the other hand, is… a movie about a giant asteroid hitting earth. Everyone dies. It’s a bummer. 

So, it’s more like Melancholia? Weirdly, yes. 

Would you like to elaborate on this ridiculous comparison? I probably teared up more  watching Deep Impact than I did watching Melancholia. 

What? Why? Aside from how distressing it is to watch parents try and fail to protect their children — a thing that happens a lot in this movie — there’s a whole subplot where Tea Leoni is estranged from her shitty Dad, and they’re fighting, but then the Earth is about to be obliterated, and she remembers this beach they used to go to when she was little, and she goes, and her estranged Dad shows up at the same beach, because he really does love her, and they hug, and forgive each other, and then an asteroid hits the earth, and…

Are you okay? I’ve been through a lot lately! 

Does a sixteen-year-old Elijah Wood con a girl into marrying him by knowing a lot about asteroids? Absolutely, yes, he does. 

There you have it! Three movies, all deep. Now you can watch them, confident in the knowledge that they are completely dissimilar from each other. Well, no: Deep Rising and Deep Blue Sea are, in fact, basically the same movie. But they are somewhat different from each other 33.3% of the time.

Which Deep _____ is right for you? Only time will tell. You must plumb the hidden deeps of your soul to find if shark, or slime monster, or shitty dad will give you catharsis. Just know that any of them, or all of them, are available to you. I will be here to help you find your way.

Deep Impact is streaming on MGM Plus. Deep Blue Sea is streaming on Sling TV. I actually paid to rent Deep Rising. I'm not sure it was my best decision.